^

I keep wanting to cry like I’ve lost something important. Maybe I’ve lost myself. I just don’t know what I want anymore.

My friend phoned me a few weeks ago asking if I would go with her back to PCB. The thing is: I never left. I remember just how it felt driving down with her. The turtle we saved. The rampant drinking. Leaving for a moonlit stroll without leaving a proper note and the subsequent bedlam that followed. I remember what I lost and what I found. I remember everything so well. I never left, but I wouldn’t mind putting my toes in the ocean again.
It doesn’t feel like so long ago that I was buried in winter gear, wandering the streets of Quebec. I miss knowing that if I disappear, no one will ever find me. I should have taken that man’s offer when he asked me to stay, to give me a job and a place to sleep. I feel like my life is only worth something when no one knows anything about me.
“

Without just one nest, a bird can call the world home. Life is your career.

- Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

I am so dreadfully bored.

All the books in the world can’t keep my mind from roaming. It isn’t so much because I am one of the last students left in the school, waiting to be able to leave. It is more I am so anxious about having to leave that it’s driving me mad. And it is so dreadfully cold outside, especially for mid-May.

My time has been eaten up by reading fan fictions and science fiction novels.

It’s lovely and sweet how wrong the world seems when you wear your preconceptions (like that humans can’t breathe under water or sail through the stars or flit off to a world parallel to ours). It makes me want to disappear within myself, so that I can stay in these surreal, mad worlds and makes me wonder if I am mad myself.

I fancy I probably am. Then again, how boring would it be to be perfectly sane? I should think I would feel more alone than ever.

I’d like to see the ocean.

I want to run away, find a home somewhere new.
I want to be a poor, starving lily in the middle of a rolling sea.
All I want is to be lost where no one will ever find me.

I miss England. I found this picture on my sister’s friend’s facebook. She took it while we were sitting in front of the Globe Theater in London. I miss cold summers, afternoon tea, and the Doctor Who exhibit down from Olympia station. I hope this summer will be as good as the last.